Vanessa Van Edwards book “Cues: Small Signals, Incredible Impact” provides a lot of useful insights so thought I would summarise some of the key themes and principles in this book review. This is a book about body language, vocals and non-verbal communication. I thought the book was a helpful overview of things that make sense when explained, but which we might otherwise miss.
Why is this topic important?
I enjoyed the clear explanation of body language and what the author describes as “cues” which are things which communicate meaning without words. As soon as we get into some of them this will make logical sense as some of it seems obvious, but the magic is having it revealed as often times we miss things like this if we are not told.
Knowing more about non verbal cues is good for us all, as it will help in two key ways:
- when presenting and talking to others, this helps in thinking about how you stand, posture, tone of voice and the words you use;
- as a way to help in reading this hidden language when talking to other people and maybe seeing what they are really thinking (which may be different to words used).
Like a reputation, the way we are seen by others will happen no matter what. How we choose to act will help determine the impression we give. So you might as well learn about topics like this so that you can be proactive in terms of how you are perceived.
So what are the types of Cues?
The author divides the book into four types of cues: Nonverbal, Vocal, Verbal and Imagery.
Some key points that stood out for me include:
- We all often focus on content but forget about cues when presenting it. For example, a question inflection: if you end a statement with a lift at the end it sounds like you are asking permission or a question and it may undermine what you have said. A shrug conveys uncertainty, a deep swallow conveys nervousness, a halt in between words indicates lying.
- Charisma is the key to being received well by others. This is made up of warmth cues + competence cues.
- That is, first can I trust you? That is the warmth side. Then, can I rely on you? That is the competence side. It’s important to work on being both kind/warm and seen as knowledgeable/competent.
- Non Verbal Cues: Charisma tips include leaning in, don’t cross arms or use blocking postures (on stage, podiums can become that!), turning towards – if someone is sharing then face in their direction, be aware of space – not too close though (and on video not right up in camera), engage with your eyes.
- Warmth cues: head tilts show interest and curiosity, head nodding indicates interest and believability, think about eyebrows – raised indicates interest, smiles – pure warmth so use them – real smiles extend to eyes, laughing is like giving a compliment, a touch to show trust, could be fist bump – don’t be creepy, Mirroring makes you magnetic – meet where others are at so match their energy. Look to show three warmth cues when meeting someone.
- Posture: pull head up, shoulders down and embrace an expansive posture, look out for steeple gesture that indicates confidence while being relaxed, hand gestures are key to communicating as adds depth to verbal content, showing palms indicates honesty and trustworthiness.
Verbal Cues
- Vocal: How we say our words matters as much as what we say – consider tone, volume, pace, syntax and cadence. When nervous we tend to talk higher so be deliberate – so lower pitch and expand body to speak more confidently. Avoid inflecting up on statements as they sound like a question otherwise. Don’t use filler words and instead allow for pauses as actually makes you seem more informed. But short pauses are best.
- Vocal warmth: it sounds simple, but sound friendly! Phrases like “Lovely to see you”, “What’s good in your world”, “It’s so good to hear from you”. Add in vocal variety to what you say. If you are under expressive you can compensate for this by adding in more phrases and up effort on warmth in vocals. Look to mirror how others express themselves – mirroring amplifies signals and syncs up.
- Words to use: These also can signify warmth (happy, connect, together) or competence (effective, brainstorm, productive). So consider what words you use in your emails by doing an audit of the last 5 and see the types of word you use.
There is a note that different cultures have different cues – having lived in Japan for five years I agree and it’s important to remember that if you are in another country of interaction with another culture. In Japan a yes might be maybe – as they need to check up through hierarchy. Even something simple like being on time – in Japan it’s way more important than in the West where we might brush it off due to traffic. In Japan it shows you don’t respect the person you are meeting to be there when agreed.
As I said at the start – we will be perceived by others in some way, so we might as well be proactive about that and how they see us.
Conclusion
I found that the book put into words some things I’ve wondered about for a long time. I’d encourage you to get a copy as it might help to think about your own ways of expressing yourself, but also in learning what others may mean by their “cues”.
If you’d like to explore more here are some podcasts and video links of the author discussing the topic:
Podcast episodes that are good too:
- On Diary of a CEO https://podcasts.apple.com/nz/podcast/the-diary-of-a-ceo-with-steven-bartlett/id1291423644?i=1000679711461
- On purpose podcast https://podcasts.apple.com/nz/podcast/on-purpose-with-jay-shetty/id1450994021?i=1000708078554
- Feel better, live more https://podcasts.apple.com/nz/podcast/feel-better-live-more-with-dr-rangan-chatterjee/id1333552422?i=1000556326337
Some of the themes might interest in Seeds Podcast episodes such as this one with Dr Brett Mann:
Conflict and Board Dynamics: Dr Brett Mann in conversation – Seeds